Hi Pastor Lily,
Kissing before marriage.
Hi. I really love your responses to people’s questions especially scriptural responses. My problem is with my boyfriend whom I’ve been dating for over two years. I don’t enjoy him kissing me. I’ve told him about it and he promised to be better but there’s been little or no improvement. I don’t want to marry someone who I’m not sexually attracted to. What can I do?
You might be surprised to discover that kissing before marriage isn’t a great indicator of sexual compatibility.
While kissing is important in marriage, it’s not that high on the daily to-do list.
There are many benefits to kissing;
It keeps you connected, it helps you slow down, it makes you feel better. But that kind of kissing doesn’t take a lot of skill. Those are sweet little pecks here and there throughout the day.
Now, if you’re concerned about his deep romantic kissing skills, that’s something that can be improved with a little bit of practice. But I wouldn’t advise doing a lot of practicing before marriage. Because after all, you should be saving sex until marriage.Intimate passionate kissing usually leads to activities that should really be saved for the marriage bed. Click To Tweet
Sparks aren’t flying
If you’re not feeling the sparks fly, that’s okay. Marriages aren’t built on sparks, they’re built on well built slow burning logs. Sparks burn out. So be careful not to mistake a smoke for a fire.
You’ve told him that you don’t like his kissing style, and he said he would improve, but what did you expect him to do? If he’s committed to building a relationship with you he can’t really get extra experience elsewhere.
But, if you’re not committed to this relationship, you might be using this as a good reason to exit. You don’t have to stay in a relationship just because you’ve been in it so long. I’ve said it before, and I will say it again; Too many people treat dating like a marriage and marriage like they’re dating.
But if you really appreciate everything about this guy except his kissing style I think it’s up to you to make the effort to bridge the gap.
If he is a great guy, loves God, would make a wonderful father, works hard and treats you like a queen. And, if you really feel like this is the only area of your relationship that needs serious improvement, than help him out.
Take The Lead
You will really need to take the lead and tell him how you enjoy being kissed. Everyone is different, perhaps his style was very effective on a previous partner.
When I first met my husband I was a little overwhelmed by his style. His lips are much larger and fuller than mine and it was honestly really awkward for me at first. But it’s something that was easily resolved within a few honest, laughter-filled conversations.
You didn’t leave your age, but I’m going to guess that you’re under 30. Because being good at kissing, is something that you tend to worry about in your younger years before you become overwhelmed with more urgent issues.
Honestly, sometimes the first few years of marriage, especially if you have kids, aren’t that sexy. Pregnancy, breastfeeding, and hormones kind of quench some of the fire.
The Not So Sexy Side Of Marriage
And don’t even get me started on bed sharing with a baby. Then you’re just having survival sex on the last 2 inches of the bed praying that no one wakes up. And it’s not sexy.
Of course, throughout your marriage, you should enjoy plenty of tender and passionate moments, and I think a great sex life is crucial to a healthy happy marriage, but I don’t think that kissing skills should be a deal breaker.
It’s a skill that can be improved with practice, and it’s an activity that there isn’t a lot of time for. Maybe as a teenager, you have time to sit on the couch and make out for two hours, but married couples just have sex and then go to sleep.
Hope I haven’t burst your bubble. I know the movies make everything look terribly romantic. But behind the scenes in real life, it’s all prickly legs and bad breath quickies. And it’s all good!
Readers, help me out.
Am I getting it wrong? Let me know in the comments below.
How important is kissing before marriage and in marriage?
Would you marry someone who isn’t a good kisser?
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