Dear Pastor Lily
I’m afraid my husband is cheating on me. I don’t have any evidence to support this but I can’t seem to shake this nagging feeling. By all accounts, he is a great husband and I don’t really believe that he would hurt me and our family like that, but this feeling won’t go away. What should I do? Do I confront him? Should I do a little bit of investigating to see if there’s some evidence to be found? I’m so confused and overwhelmed! I love him and I love our marriage, but I would be completely devastated if I found out that he is having an affair. Please help!
I want to applaud you for reaching out and asking this question before taking matters into your own hands and snooping through his phone, computer and pockets for evidence to support your suspicious heart. I understand that you feel afraid, but that alone does not justify the kind of inquiry your suggesting.
If you had written in and said you had come across lipstick on your husband’s shirt collar, or nude pictures on the computer my advice would be different.
But, all you have is a feeling of fear.
Right now you’re dealing with the spirit of fear. And my guess is that it’s there because you’ve got something really good going on.
Isn’t it just like us to spoil a good thing with thoughts of fear and doubt.
You’re going on a tropical vacation – probably going to rain
You lost 20 lbs, – now my pants don’t fit.
You’ve been invited to a special event – don’t know anyone there, I might as well stay home.
We’ve all tried to protect our heart from getting hurt in one way or another. By presupposing the worse we think that we’ve actually got an advantage. At least this way the bad thing won’t be able to sneak up and blindside us.
But the truth is that this form of fear and negativity can cause us to engage in behaviors that actually sabotage the blessings in our lives.
When we are afraid we are blind to what God is doing.
For example: Look at the story of Hagar in Genesis 21. She and her son Ishmael have been cast out of their home and she is stuck in the desert with nothing and is afraid that she is going to have to watch her son die. Hagar can’t stand this, so she leaves him in a bush and goes a little distance off to weep and morn. She is stuck in a terrible situation. She didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not fair. Hagar had this baby because they (Abraham and Sarah) told her to, and now look what has happened.
But God shows up and opens her eyes. Genesis 21:19.
While she was blinded by tears she couldn’t see the well that was right beside her. God had to give her hope and dry her eyes so that she could make use of the blessings around her.
In your case, I suspect that you don’t have anything to be afraid of. Instead of looking for evidence of betrayal why not turn it around and accuse him of love.
Because if you don’t you will quickly turn yourself into the jealous crazy wife who destroys her own house.
If you try to “investigate” here’s what will happen
You’ll get into some tiny squabble over nothing and your heart will start beating too quickly and you’ll see him reach for his smartphone. And then you’ll ask;
And because you’ve been bickering he will reply;
And just like that the crazy will be released. Suddenly you will be convinced that he is cheating for sure and that you should never have married him. Your mind will be racing and your heart will be pounding and he will ask;
And you’ll fight back tears and with a pouting lip reply:
4 months later you’ll be headed for divorce court.
Why? Because you’re fears and insecurities have caused you to act crazy and engage in several useless fights with the man you love.
And when I say crazy I mean that you’re letting your emotions rule over you. You’re no longer in control of them and this results in behaviors like lots of drama, being needy, jealous, easily wounded and devastated.
Depending on how often that kind of behavior comes up, will make your husband look at you with eyes that scream “What Is Going On?”
So don’t let your version of cray-cray lurk in your mind any longer.
You’ve already done part 1 of 2 in dealing with this.
- You confessed it. – You admitted that the fear is there and you told someone who is in a position to help you. Good Job!
- Then You Repent. – You take the fear to the throne of God and seek forgiveness and determine in your heart that you will not allow this fear to take root in your heart any longer.
Don’t allow this fear to manifest in your life. Deal with it swiftly and enjoy the blessings God has given you. When your husband comes home give him a big confident hug and enjoy the love he shares with you. Build up your house with this wisdom and I pray that your marriage is everything God designed it to be.
God Bless You!
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Have you ever been afraid of something that without anything to validate that fear? Share your story in the comments below.