Hi Pastor Lily.
I’m writing to you today because I have a broken heart. It’s been 8 months since I broke up with John and I still can’t get over it. What’s wrong with me? I know that our relationship had a lot of problems but all I want to think about are the good times. His smile, the way he held my hand. It’s crazy. I’m 34 years old and I’m acting like a silly teenager. I stalk him on Facebook and look for him in places where I know there’s no chance of running into him. Secretly, I hope he will call me late one night and admit he made a mistake and wants me back. I know he’s moved on and he seems happy. How do I do the same thing?
First of all, you made an excellent point. Your relationship had a lot of problems. You need to focus on those.
Seriously, make a list.
- All the flaws.
- The problems.
- How he chewed with his mouth open.
- The way he put his feet up on the table.
- Annoying music that he liked.
Write everything down and keep that list handy. When you’re tempted to go for a walk down memory lane look at that list instead.
2nd, get rid of his stuff.
Any mementoes you have stashed around your place. Get rid of them. No t-shirts. No pictures, no receipts from date night, no movie ticket stubs or little gifts. Let them go.
Throw them away!
Donate them if they can bless someone else. But get them out of your space. Check your car and workspace too for any little reminders. After you’ve gone through the initial purge, if you find something you missed, don’t waste even two seconds reminiscing over the memories, just toss it.
People who are heartbroken are in a lot of pain and are just as vulnerable as those who are drug addicts. The biggest difference is that drug addicts know when they are using, whereas hopeless romantics don’t. Most don’t realize that when they start daydreaming about their ex, that they are flooding their nervous system with chemicals. Those chemicals make them crave that person all over again and cause them to act like an addict.
In fact, people who are dealing heartbreak are experiencing withdrawal. It’s a fight not to search for memories to cling to. You have to let go of the relationship and let go of the idea that you can get the person back.
What we need most when the heart is broken is a clear vision of reality. That list of all the problems and pet peeves. You must go to that list when you’re feeling tempted to idealize the person and the relationship.
Feeling alone can impact our intellect and reasoning. This contributes to why we make so many embarrassing mistakes after an important relationship ends. You can feel depressed, lose weight, your immune system is compromised.
Your sense of belonging is lost. You might lose your friends, community and social life.
Heartbreak leaves huge gaps in your life.
In order to move on you have to fill the voids in your life.
You might choose to fill the void with a number of different things, new relationships, shopping, excessive eating, drinking, drugs, reckless ambition.
Maybe you’ll try a sensible alternative like going back to school, pursuing a different career path or volunteering, which are great ideas.
But the only way to truly fill the void once and for all is to go to God.
Only He is big enough to truly fill the gap so that there is no room for pain and loneliness.
He is the one who heals fully and completely.
God can take heartbreak and turn in upside down and give you so much love that it overflows within you and spills out into everything else you do.
This is what I believe to be the best remedy.
Do everything else that I mentioned above.
But ultimately, if you really want your heart to heal take it to God.
Pursue the one who loves you most and who longs to be longed for by you.
Do that, and everything else will fall into place.
God Bless You!
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