How’s your sex life?
If it’s not what you’d like it to be, let me ask you another question…
How are you at foreplay?
Foreplay is a key ingredient for intimacy in a covenant Christian marriage. So even though it’s all fun and play, you should really take it seriously.
What is Foreplay?
Foreplay is all the sensual activity that goes on before penetration. It’s the arousal that we feel that makes sex feel amazing.
The problem is that we tend to learn about foreplay from the world, and the world has its own agenda. From the world’s perspective, foreplay is a way to make money. It encourages you to buy products and question whether you’re sexy.
From God’s perspective, foreplay is all about intimacy. It’s about a man and woman “knowing” each other. It’s that “can’t keep our hands to ourselves feeling”
And this is why couples who engage in foreplay before marriage in an effort to avoid sex before marriage tend to fail miserably.
It’s like saying “let’s plan and take a trip to Disney land, but when we get to the gate of the magic kingdom we’ll go back home.”
No one does that!
Because great sex is all about the build up. Which is why, when we’re trying to hold back on sex before marriage and fail, it feels SOOOO GOOD.
Of course, it feels amazing, because we’ve been engaging in hours of foreplay. This is why the Bible tells us, Do not awaken love until it’s ready. because going from hot to stop is really hard. And, trying to avoiding fornication by only engaging in “foreplay” is nonsense. There is a line and you need to know where it is from God’s perspective.
Recovering from sexual guilt and shame
This also leads some Christians to feel a sense of guilt around foreplay in marriage.
If before marriage, foreplay repeatedly led to sin, which felt great in the moment, but left you with a lingering sense of guilt and shame, those same actions within the context of marriage may feel confusing.
You might believe that some actions like oral sex or sexual suggestions are sinful.
Today I’d like to clear that up.
What counts as foreplay?
Within the context of marriage, foreplay is anything and everything that draws a couple closer together. It’s speaking each other’s love language. It doesn’t have to be overtly sexual, if it causes the couple to play together, play being anything that puts you in an altered state where you are fully focused on the activity at hand and lose a sense of time, you’re in foreplay.
This can be confusing because the world tends to lead us to believe that foreplay is all the sexual acts a couple can engage in that aren’t penetration. That can leave a lot of women wondering where the play and fun is.
If you’re technically engaged in sexual acts of foreplay, but your mind has wandered to the laundry list of things you need to do later, it’s not foreplay. it might look like foreplay, but it’s missing that key ingredient of arousal.
On the other hand, you might be doing something seemingly innocent, and yet you and your partner are extremely aroused. This is why car washes, BBQ’s and back massages can so easily turn into a sexual encounter.
Therefore as Christians, we have to be mindful of the situations that we allow ourselves to get into. It’s not hard to go from zero to 60 if all the right buttons are pushed. This is also why married couples should never flirt with anyone except their partner.
It’s one thing to give someone a compliment, but it’s another thing entirely to arouse someone’s interest with complimentary language. Just because you can get away with doing it in public doesn’t mean there’s not a whole lot more going on below the belt.
Foreplay ideas for Christian Couples
Christian married couples should try to incorporate as much foreplay as possible into their marriage. This is essential to a healthy thriving and delightful sex life. If you bicker like and shoot disdainful looks at one another throughout the day, but have sex at night, because the Bible says “thou shall not withhold sex” you’re doing it wrong.If you bicker like and shoot disdainful looks at one another throughout the day, but have sex at night, cause the Bible says "thou shall not withhold" you're doing it wrong. Click To Tweet
Listen, even if you’re having in sexual intercourse and there was an orgasm for someone in there, you’re not engaged in anything intimate. And in my opinion, you’re taking the humanity out of intercourse.
In a worst-case scenario, this leads to rape in marriage.
Because a Christ-centered marriage involves two people. At its core, it’s about the intimacy between a son of God and a daughter of God. If either person degrades the other to a body to be used, you’ve missed the point entirely.
God’s Plan For Sex
God created human sexuality to be a physical expression of total intimacy. It is a passionate surrender that leaves us both vulnerable and completely connected.
But of course, that’s not always how it’s used.
Sexual expressions, whether positive or negative always create soul ties, and when you have multiple ungodly soul ties to someone you’re not married to you will struggle to enjoy your relationships. Learn more about soul ties and how to break them here
Sex is so deeply personal that anytime it is perverted the pain and damage caused is especially painful. And in order to enjoy a healthy sex life within the context of marriage, we need to allow God to heal that damage.
As J and Scott from Hot, Holy and Humourous explain, one of the most destructive things we as Christian women can believe is the lie that sex is all about him.
One of the biggest and most damaging lies a wife can believe is that sexual intimacy is primarily for her husband. It’s amazing to me how many women believe this lie, which ultimately steals the joy and beauty from God’s marvelous design of the sexual union between husband and wife. It robs her of the deep connection with her husband that she actually desires.Scott & J at Hot, Holy & Humorous
Ladies, let me remind you that God made the clitoris with 8000 nerve endings. That’s twice as many as a man’s penis, and they’re there for a reason. Your pleasure is important to God. Neither you nor your husband can have a truly fulfilling sex life unless you’re both committed to pleasure. And that means foreplay.Neither you nor your husband can have a truly fulfilling sex life unless you're both committed to pleasure. And that means foreplay. #relationshipgoals Click To Tweet
Foreplay Tips For Him
Foreplay for him is different than foreplay for her.
And knowing the differences can make things so much easier.
Both men and women love foreplay. But, in our hyper-sexualized world, we sometimes forget about all the little ways in which we’re able to tease our husbands and build up that sense of anticipation.
It’s important to know and remember that men are generally first turned on by visual cues. Whereas women are turned on by the way we feel. He is turned on by something he sees, you’re turned on by the way a situation is making you feel.
The truth is if you want to enjoy great sex you need to engage in foreplay because foreplay is where all the intimacy and relationship building happens. But please don’t be confused by 90% of the stuff you’ll find on the internet. You do not have to do a striptease on the bed in stilettos. That stuff only happens in the movies.
But there are ways to make what you already do…sexy.
A lot of this is about preperation. Wear underwear that make you feel sexy. That are designed to notice. And don”t be afraid to casually but intentionally get his attention by stretching in front of him.
Remember it’s about the little things. It’s about being curious and making sure he feels seen. It can be the way you play footsies under the table, or putting on a movie with no intention of watching it.
Rev up your sex life over the next 3 days by downloading my 72 Hour Foreplay Challenge. Designed to give your libido a boost.
Remember, foreplay is all about that little strut you do when you know he’s watching. Not the one cosmo is trying to teach, but yours. Foreplay is more about being your self than it is about trying to create some fantasy with costumes and handcuffs.
Now, if costumes and handcuffs are your thing, and you’re both into it, then, by all means, enjoy. But don’t fall into the trap of believing that it’s supposed to look like that. In reality, foreplay is a subtle art. It’s about taking the time to create intimacy by pausing to whisper in his ear that he looks sexy in that shirt, or that he smells amazing and backing it up with a kiss.
Sometimes it’s about flirting in public, (not inappropriate public displays of affection) but intentionally brushing up against him with a certain look in your eye that says, let’s go…
And if you have kids, sometimes it’s about letting them spend the night at grandma’s so that you two have the house to yourselves. If y0u’ve got that kind of opportunity, be sure to make the most of it. Do not just have sex and go to sleep.
Make Time For It
Make dinner, find something to laugh about, dance in the kitchen, and take your time. If you’ve got candles that you’ve never lit, it’s time to light them. It might seem cheesy but go for it.
Essentially, while oral sex and lingerie might appear to be the go-to forms of foreplay, please don’t limit yourself. Men aren’t as into that as the internet might lead you to believe. More than anything, men are attracted to confidence. If you take the time to take care of yourself, you’re also taking care of him.
Foreplay Tips For Her
If you’ve ever felt awkward asking for what you want, please know you’re not alone. Sometimes, depending on the culture you were raised in, it can be really hard to speak up and actually say what you want in bed. Maybe you’re not even sure.
You might have been led to believe that sex is all about him and his needs. But it’s not.
Sex is about intimacy, it’s about knowing one another. That means, in Christian covenant marriage, both husband and wife need to be committed to their own pleasure as well as the pleasure of their partner.
When you’re having fun, he’s having fun.
If you don’t know what you like, or what feels good, you’re not alone. But trust me, it’s worth finding out.
Or, maybe you use to know what great sex was all about, but, for whatever reason, it’s not like that anymore. Things like babies, milky breasts, deadlines, and debt have a way of messing with a woman’s ability to get into the mood and stay there.
There is a way to enjoy sex once more and it’s all about arousal.
Best Foreplay Tips
Keep the following tips in mind and create more intimate moments in your marriage.
- Start as soon as the last orgasm ends.
- Keep it fun.
- Focus on play and arousal
- Practice showing up as yourself.
- Don’t fake it.
- Be creative and open
- Let go of fear
- Make time for it
- Appreciate it.
Watching porn is never foreplay!
When it comes to intimate activities that a married Christian couple can engage in, the sky is the limit. In most cases, I would say that if it’s consensual and pleasurable, go for it. But there is one thing I believe is always wrong for everyone, and that’s pornography.
There are a lot of ways to improve intimacy between a couple. Unfortunately, porn is not one of them. While some couples might justify the use of porn when consumed together, the problem is that the use of pornography, in and of its self, is a sin.
Whether you’re consuming it by yourself or with someone else, it goes against everything that God wants for us in terms of our sexuality and our relationships. It is inherently dehumanizing and destructive.
Now I would love to hear from you!
I hope you’ve found this useful. If so, please share it on your favorite platform.
My goal is to help you enjoy healthy thriving relationships, with God, yourself and others. So, if you have any questions, thoughts or opinions I would love to connect with you in the comments below.
And I have a few questions for you…
- How do you feel about foreplay?
- What’s one thing you wish you’d known about foreplay sooner?
- Do you think that foreplay is important in your marriage, why or why not?
Leave a comment below and let me know.
Share as much detail as you can. Your wisdom and insights will help and encourage readers from around the world. The ideas you share might be the inspiration someone else needs to get a breakthrough.
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